But in a culture that offers us the option of crushed or cubed ice and an era where kids would rather munch on Cheetos while playing World of Warcraft than have a catch with their old man, the beard has lost it's social significance in an alarming rate. Now, what was a symbol of masculine dominance is more associated with eighteen month wilderness excursions, the Stanley Cup playoffs, Dos Equis commercials or homelessness.
Beards have also recently come under threat through the wearer, having been taken over by people like the Wicker Park hipster -- the guy who constantly reminds you that he listened to the Black Keys "before they were cool," wears jeans tighter than your girlfriend's and likes soccer.
Men. It's time that we reclaim beards as our own and it starts with baseball. So don't be afraid to put away the razor for a few weeks and take back what's rightfully ours. It's time to brazenly stand out in the office or at the summer softball league. But as with other "man-tivities" such as tailgating, using power tools, or changing your car's oil, there's both a right and wrong way of doing it. Beards are no exception and we've drawn up a handy guide straight from our favorite MLB examples
Take note:
GUIDE
Full Count Rating:
Our empirical, methodical and exact grading scale of each type of beard from 10 to 1.
( 10 is "awesome" on the level of bacon-wrapped donuts, Scarlett Johansson, Christmas, winning the lottery, Justin Verlander's fastball, etc. )
( 1 is "lame" like income taxes, Rob Schneider movies, Twilight, Kim Kardashian's existence )
Our empirical, methodical and exact grading scale of each type of beard from 10 to 1.
( 10 is "awesome" on the level of bacon-wrapped donuts, Scarlett Johansson, Christmas, winning the lottery, Justin Verlander's fastball, etc. )
( 1 is "lame" like income taxes, Rob Schneider movies, Twilight, Kim Kardashian's existence )
YMRFPL:
( You may remember from players like... )
Flourishing
Full Count Rating: 10
BONUS: There can be snow in your beard, indicating that you have just returned from a four game road trip in April against the Minnesota Twins -- the only environment befitting of your loss.
Rating: 7
YMRFPL: Casey Blake, Jason Motte, Tommy Hanson
You are meticulous and neat. You play solid defense and stress contact not power. You're disciplined and take care of your body. You're work ethic and preparation make up for your lack of elite athleticism.
When you're not watching film, you're trimming your bristles to the proper length every morning. You will never go past the 1 1/4" setting on your Philips Norelco Trimmer Pro. And everyone will know just by looking at your face that you won't settle for a scraggly, unkempt appearance.
It will never help you win a batting title or a Gold Glove, but a full and kempt beard makes people remember who you are and that's damned disciplined.
Rating: 9
This trim and sharp look will leave people guessing exactly which Latin American country you're from. Other benefits? Can pose as a billionaire Italian playboy when baseball uniform is replaced by silk suit after a night game and the bouncer won't let you in because he doesn't watch baseball.
Ambiguous style also can allow you to be cast as an extra Saudi prince when the prequel to Zero Dark Thirty is inevitably made. It's the ultimate, "what the hell is your ethnicity again?" look.
Neatly manicured, Tony Stark
Ambiguous style also can allow you to be cast as an extra Saudi prince when the prequel to Zero Dark Thirty is inevitably made. It's the ultimate, "what the hell is your ethnicity again?" look.
Neatly manicured, Tony Stark
Rating: 6
Wild and wacky trimmed, yet sharp as a miracle blade, you aren't afraid to take a gigantic hack at a 3-0 fastball, pitch high and tight or spend three and a half hours trimming outlines of flames on your cheek. Nothing is off limits. Your beard symbolizes your aggressive approach at the plate and all-out approach in the field. You are disciplined enough to keep it at a short length, but don't let that stop you from carving flaming outlines that stop at an exact 77 degree angle from your jawline. Unkempt
Full Count Rating: 7.5
Whether on your neck or cheek (most likely both), this hobo-esque style can be paired with shaggy hair that sticks out of your hat to provide the ultimate "I don't give a s***" look.
Unkempt and uneven
Rating: 5
Of course, just because you are too lazy to trim up your face hair doesn't mean you're not on to something. It could be a good look...if you were trying out as Cro-Magnon man at the Museum of Science. Or if you were a CIA agent going undercover in a Taliban training camp.
But baseball? Not so much. There may very well be a day when scraggly, unkempt beards are in style but that day will not be in this century. I hope the GM includes scissors in your next contract. And a bath.
 |
| Someone lecture Keith Hernandez on how cool he looks |
Full Count Rating: 9 in the 1970s and 1980s, 2 in 2013
YMRFPL: Collin Baelster, Carl Pavano, Randy Johnson, Jeff Kent, Mike Schimdt, Bill Buckner, Don Mattingly, Mike Piazza, practically every single player in the 1970s and 80s.
All you need to do is pull out your dad's wedding photos to see that in the not-so-distant past, white guys were actually able to pull off a thick batch of hair on their upper lip...and nothing else. And it actually looked decent. And everyone had it. As evidenced by every single damn player in the pile of 1980s Topps baseball cards in my attic.
Take a guy like Wade Boggs (who's basically a trim and super-athletic Louis C.K.) and try to picture him without an epic Caucasian stache. That's why this look gets a solid 9 if you were a player in the Tom Selleck Steve Prefontaine, Mark Spitz and Ron Burgundy generation. To have a mustache was bad-ass.
But today is different. If you don't want to look like someone who has to register with the websites people check before they buy houses, that means you either have rocked a stache since having a stache was legit (e.g. Burt Reynolds), or...well, that's it. Otherwise you'll end up looking like Jason Giambi or Carl Pavano when they tried to bring the Caucasian Full-Mustache look back.
Or like poor Greg Maddox below:
Yeah, don't do that.
African-American Full Mustache
All you need to do is pull out your dad's wedding photos to see that in the not-so-distant past, white guys were actually able to pull off a thick batch of hair on their upper lip...and nothing else. And it actually looked decent. And everyone had it. As evidenced by every single damn player in the pile of 1980s Topps baseball cards in my attic.
Take a guy like Wade Boggs (who's basically a trim and super-athletic Louis C.K.) and try to picture him without an epic Caucasian stache. That's why this look gets a solid 9 if you were a player in the Tom Selleck Steve Prefontaine, Mark Spitz and Ron Burgundy generation. To have a mustache was bad-ass.
But today is different. If you don't want to look like someone who has to register with the websites people check before they buy houses, that means you either have rocked a stache since having a stache was legit (e.g. Burt Reynolds), or...well, that's it. Otherwise you'll end up looking like Jason Giambi or Carl Pavano when they tried to bring the Caucasian Full-Mustache look back.
Or like poor Greg Maddox below:
Yeah, don't do that.
African-American Full Mustache
Full Count Rating: 9
YMRFPL: Andre Dawson, Dave Winfield, Reggie Jackson, Willie Stargell
Mustaches don't make you cool. It makes cool people even cooler. And just like dancing, high fashion and Michael Jackson, white people steal what other cultures make cool and turn it into something embarrassingly ridiculous. There's no better example than the mustache. And with three million too many Caucasian staches, what once was "hip" and "suave" instantly became "awkward" and "child-molester-ey"
And if you want to pull a sweet stache off today, it still goes back to "having a mustache, before having a mustache was weird." It's the reverse hipster-psychology. If you need proof, quick and try and imagine Eddie Murray or Fred McGriff without a soup strainer. You can't and that's why this style is awesome.
Cultivated 19th century mustache:
And if you want to pull a sweet stache off today, it still goes back to "having a mustache, before having a mustache was weird." It's the reverse hipster-psychology. If you need proof, quick and try and imagine Eddie Murray or Fred McGriff without a soup strainer. You can't and that's why this style is awesome.
Cultivated 19th century mustache:
Full Count Rating: 10
Mustache/Flavor Savor on Lip
Full Count Rating: 3
YMRFPL: John Axford, Clay Zavada, player on black and white baseball cards that you found in your great-grandpa's attic from a cigarette pack.
In the days of Abner Doubleday, it was the norm but today the style probably means that you are a mediocre, middle reliever looking for attention. Normally a style only reserved for Civil War reenacting, this throw-back style brings us back to simpler times when gloves were for wussies, fielders went barefoot and the game was pure, unadulterated and accompanied with gambling, tobacco and apparently this type of face piece.
Goatee, Full/Trimmed
Full Count Rating: 8
YMRFPL: Kevin Youkilis, Pedro Cerrano, Mark McGwire
There's a reason Walter White's character in Breaking Bad became a badass when he traded in his teacher's mustache for a full, trimmed, "I'm fuckin' Heisenberg" goatee. You don't get a much more badass look with a properly full and trimmed goatee. The goatee look in the 1990s provided a smooth transition from the Mustache Era right about when mustaches were beginning to evolve from "normally cool" to "uncomfortably creepy."
While the goatee may have become slightly banal and overused (remember Roger Clemens sporting one?) and it is beginning to be replaced by the beard in terms of coolness, the goatee is always a safe bet if you're a 19-year-old, peach-fuzzed rookie in A-Ball looking to stand out.
It's the one thing from the steroid era that ended up being positive for the game. We give it an eight.
While the goatee may have become slightly banal and overused (remember Roger Clemens sporting one?) and it is beginning to be replaced by the beard in terms of coolness, the goatee is always a safe bet if you're a 19-year-old, peach-fuzzed rookie in A-Ball looking to stand out.
It's the one thing from the steroid era that ended up being positive for the game. We give it an eight.
Goatee, Metallica
Full Count Rating: 5
Why? Because the truth is without a half-foot chin goatee with braids, you look more like a tax accountant than a dominating closer. And truthfully, you only have two sub-par pitches in your repertoire. Mental domination is everything and ain't nobody intimidated by a baby-face. Now smack that rosin bag like a spoiled child and get to work getting three outs. Even Jason Isringhausen did that 300 times.
Full Count Rating: -759,294,103
YMRFPL: Scott Spiezio
Just.
F*******g.
Terrible.
Please.
Let's move on.
Fu Manchu
Full Count Rating: 8.5 or 2.5
YMRFPL: Rod Beck, Goose Gossage, Sal Fasano/Corky Miller/(any old backup catcher who's name you somehow still know from facial hair alone), Eric Wedge, Jim Joyce.
Scruffy:
Full Count Rating: 7
YMRFPL: Nick Swisher, Alex Avila, Roy Halladay, Ichiro, Dustin Pedroia, Jeremy Giambi
It's either the ultimate brash/swagger/rebel/ look in the cases of bad boys like the Giambi brothers or current MLB bad boy douchebag, Nick Swisher or it's a sign that your facial hair grows so fast your razor literally can't catch up. It's probably not fun shaving at five in the morning and have a half-beard by batting practice or changing out razors every three days so we can't fault the Pedroia's and Halladays of the world for that perpetual 5 o'clock shadow.
Stubbly, accenting your jaw:
Full Count Rating: 8.5
Tough guy. What better way to emphasize your glorious jaw/overbite than make it hairy too. You mash balls, throw hard, and don't mind your below-replacement level OBP or WHIP as long as you are winning home run derbys and striking out batters. It's an all or nothing approach. Careful though, you are a quarter inch length away from being a Casey Blake.
Stubbly, emphasizing your neck:
Full Count Rating: 1
YMRFPL: Gerald Laird, Vinny Chulk, Tommy Meyers
A. You have given up on life.
B. You are destined as a career backup
C. You are more likely to make an appearance on Cops than an MLB All-Star team
Clean shaven:
A. You have given up on life.
B. You are destined as a career backup
C. You are more likely to make an appearance on Cops than an MLB All-Star team
Clean shaven:
Full Count Rating: 1
YMRFPL: Jason Giambi post-As, Yankee Johnny Damon, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Robinson Cano, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Paul O'Neill, Tino Martinez, Jorge Posada, and basically every New York Yankee that you've ever known
And damn right you're a straight shooter. Or it's just because the Steinbrenner family told you to shave for a few million dollars your previous team couldn't afford. So you're not only a greedy sell-out but you're also a poseur. What a bunch of jerks.
Too cleanly shaven/Hairless:
YMRFPL: Tim Lincecum, if Patrick Kane played baseball.
It's not that you don't want to grow a beard. It's just that you can't grow a beard. So don't mope over the fact that you'll never be a Josh Reddick, there's still plenty of hippies in the Bay Area that will hang out and smoke weed with you. And it's not a requirement to have a hipster beard even in SF so you've got that going for you too. In fact, everything that you do is so unorthodox from your throwing motion, to your postgame interviews to your hair, you don't really need a beard to stand out...you just need to stop walking guys, get your ERA under five and quit killing my fantasy team. Worry about the beard later.
While not all of us can pull off the Boston Johnny Damon look, just remember what the beard has meant for most of humanity. The rule should be simple: if you can grow a beard, you should grow a beard.
So just keep this handy guide in mind next time you want to put on a baseball cap and throw one with your kid someday and remember that beards in baseball also have a rich history. I'd much rather look like Brian Wilson than A-Rod any day.
A wise ballplayer once said: "A baseball player with a beard, never takes an at-bat alone."
And keep in mind without a beard, you're just like every woman and child.
It's not that you don't want to grow a beard. It's just that you can't grow a beard. So don't mope over the fact that you'll never be a Josh Reddick, there's still plenty of hippies in the Bay Area that will hang out and smoke weed with you. And it's not a requirement to have a hipster beard even in SF so you've got that going for you too. In fact, everything that you do is so unorthodox from your throwing motion, to your postgame interviews to your hair, you don't really need a beard to stand out...you just need to stop walking guys, get your ERA under five and quit killing my fantasy team. Worry about the beard later.
Beards in baseball: Yes or no?
So just keep this handy guide in mind next time you want to put on a baseball cap and throw one with your kid someday and remember that beards in baseball also have a rich history. I'd much rather look like Brian Wilson than A-Rod any day.
A wise ballplayer once said: "A baseball player with a beard, never takes an at-bat alone."
And keep in mind without a beard, you're just like every woman and child.
