Thursday, June 27, 2013

Beards of Baseball

Throughout most of human history, nothing on the male body has better ascribed various attributes such as wisdom, sexual virility, masculinity, or a higher status like the beard.  From kings in the hanging gardens of Babylon, to nobles in the courts of medieval Europe to the fearless warriors in conflicts from Sparta to Gettysburg, the beard has traditionally symbolized one thing: I. Am. A. Badass.
But in a culture that offers us the option of crushed or cubed ice and an era where kids would rather munch on Cheetos while playing World of Warcraft than have a catch with their old man, the beard has lost it's social significance in an alarming rate.  Now, what was a symbol of masculine dominance is more associated with eighteen month wilderness excursions, the Stanley Cup playoffs, Dos Equis commercials or homelessness.  

Beards have also recently come under threat through the wearer, having been taken over by people like the Wicker Park hipster -- the guy who constantly reminds you that he listened to the Black Keys "before they were cool," wears jeans tighter than your girlfriend's and likes soccer.  

The beard will also appear on the cocky 23-year-old executive who just got hired at your company straight out of Cal-Berkeley and is currently your boss, needing to prove that he's a bad-ass, a good boss, and hip.  You've seen his LinkedIn photo, pre-beard and know that he's none of those things and will probably be the guy that stops checking his Fantasy Baseball lineup in your work league, citing "I'm concentrating on work," and will try to steal your girlfriend at the company picnic.  

Men.  It's time that we reclaim beards as our own and it starts with baseball.  So don't be afraid to put away the razor for a few weeks and take back what's rightfully ours.  It's time to brazenly stand out in the office or at the summer softball league.  But as with other "man-tivities" such as tailgating, using power tools, or changing your car's oil, there's both a right and wrong way of doing it.  Beards are no exception and we've drawn up a handy guide straight from our favorite MLB examples

Take note: 


Full Count Rating: 
Our empirical, methodical and exact grading scale of each type of beard from 10 to 1. 

10 is "awesome" on the level of bacon-wrapped donuts, Scarlett Johansson, Christmas, winning the lottery, Justin Verlander's fastball, etc. )

 1 is "lame" like income taxes, Rob Schneider movies, Twilight, Kim Kardashian's existence )

You may remember from players like... )


Full Count Rating: 10
You are a juggernaut. Whether erratic or dependable, manic or mute, a player with a full beard is a force to be reckoned with.  Or plays for the Giants.  You are a character in the clubhouse and need teammates, fans, and the media to know how fun and easy the game of baseball is to you.  What better way than a Hagrid-esque beard when you do a cartwheel out of the bullpen or photo-bomb the shit out of Erin Andrews.

BONUS: There can be snow in your beard, indicating that you have just returned from a four game road trip in April against the Minnesota Twins -- the only environment befitting of your loss.

Full and Kempt
Rating: 7

You are meticulous and neat.  You play solid defense and stress contact not power.  You're disciplined and take care of your body.  You're work ethic and preparation make up for your lack of elite athleticism.  

When you're not watching film, you're trimming your bristles to the proper length every morning.  You will never go past the 1 1/4" setting on your Philips Norelco Trimmer Pro.  And everyone will know just by looking at your face that you won't settle for a scraggly, unkempt appearance.  

It will never help you win a batting title or a Gold Glove, but a full and kempt beard makes people remember who you are and that's damned disciplined.  

Neatly Manicured
Rating: 9

This trim and sharp look will leave people guessing exactly which Latin American country you're from.  Other benefits? Can pose as a billionaire Italian playboy when baseball uniform is replaced by silk suit after a night game and the bouncer won't let you in because he doesn't watch baseball.  

Ambiguous style also can allow you to be cast as an extra Saudi prince when the prequel to Zero Dark Thirty is inevitably made.  It's the ultimate, "what the hell is your ethnicity again?" look.  

Neatly manicured, Tony Stark 

Rating: 6
Wild and wacky trimmed, yet sharp as a miracle blade, you aren't afraid to take a gigantic hack at a 3-0 fastball, pitch high and tight or spend three and a half hours trimming outlines of flames on your cheek.  Nothing is off limits.  Your beard symbolizes your aggressive approach at the plate and all-out approach in the field.  You are disciplined enough to keep it at a short length, but don't let that stop you from carving flaming outlines that stop at an exact 77 degree angle from your jawline. 


Full Count Rating: 7.5
YMRFPL: Bruce Sutter, Chris Perez, Tampa Bay bench coach Dave Martinez, Lance Berkman

Too much man for any Gillette razor to defeat alone, this disheveled look at any length simultaneously reveals your ability to grow a thick bushy face and a complete indifference to keep it under control -- an attitude which probably translates onto the field too.  

Whether on your neck or cheek (most likely both), this hobo-esque style can be paired with shaggy hair that sticks out of your hat to provide the ultimate "I don't give a s***" look.  

Unkempt and uneven 

Rating: 5
Either indicating that you're somehow too hipster for the Bay Area or you just got back from an audition to be in the GEICO Caveman commercial, it's probably just that you're too indie for hormones. Or could it be to avoid the dreaded postgame interview to sneak out of the stadium in street clothes to look like the panhandler I just gave a quarter to after I parked?  You may just be on to something but there are other, more hygienic ways to avoid the media.

Of course, just because you are too lazy to trim up your face hair doesn't mean you're not on to something.  It could be a good look...if you were trying out as Cro-Magnon man at the Museum of Science.  Or if you were a CIA agent going undercover in a Taliban training camp.  

But baseball?  Not so much.  There may very well be a day when scraggly, unkempt beards are in style but that day will not be in this century.  I hope the GM includes scissors in your next contract.  And a bath.  

Someone lecture Keith Hernandez
on how cool he looks
Caucasian Full Mustache

Full Count Rating: 9 in the 1970s and 1980s, 2 in 2013
YMRFPL: Collin Baelster, Carl Pavano, Randy Johnson, Jeff Kent, Mike Schimdt, Bill Buckner, Don Mattingly, Mike Piazza, practically every single player in the 1970s and 80s. 

All you need to do is pull out your dad's wedding photos to see that in the not-so-distant past, white guys were actually able to pull off a thick batch of hair on their upper lip...and nothing else.  And it actually looked decent.  And everyone had it.  As evidenced by every single damn player in the pile of 1980s Topps baseball cards in my attic.  

Take a guy like Wade Boggs (who's basically a trim and super-athletic Louis C.K.) and try to picture him without an epic Caucasian stache.  That's why this look gets a solid 9 if you were a player in the Tom Selleck Steve Prefontaine, Mark Spitz and Ron Burgundy generation.  To have a mustache was bad-ass.

But today is different.  If you don't want to look like someone who has to register with the websites people check before they buy houses, that means you either have rocked a stache since having a stache was legit (e.g. Burt Reynolds), or...well, that's it.  Otherwise you'll end up looking like Jason Giambi or Carl Pavano when they tried to bring the Caucasian Full-Mustache look back.   

Or like poor Greg Maddox below: 

Yeah, don't do that.  

African-American Full Mustache

Full Count Rating:
YMRFPL: Andre Dawson, Dave Winfield, Reggie Jackson, Willie Stargell 

Mustaches don't make you cool.  It makes cool people even cooler.  And just like dancing, high fashion and Michael Jackson, white people steal what other cultures make cool and turn it into something embarrassingly ridiculous.  There's no better example than the mustache.  And with three million too many Caucasian staches, what once was "hip" and "suave" instantly became "awkward" and "child-molester-ey" 

And if you want to pull a sweet stache off today, it still goes back to "having a mustache, before having a mustache was weird."  It's the reverse hipster-psychology.  If you need proof, quick and try and imagine Eddie Murray or Fred McGriff without a soup strainer.  You can't and that's why this style is awesome.  

Cultivated 19th century mustache: 

Full Count Rating: 10  
YMRFPL: Rollie Fingers, Mr. Redlegs (Cincinnati Reds mascot)

There can only be one person and one person exactly that can pull this off and his name is Rollie Fingers.  I could go ahead and show you a picture of Fingers when his handlebar colluded perfectly with those ugly-ass yellow-green uniforms of the 1970s Oakland Athletics, or I could just show you this picture of Rollie Fingers' Hall of Fame plaque to show that no matter how wacky your facial hair may look, if you own it and own it for an entire Hall of Fame career, you're gonna be a boss.

Mustache/Flavor Savor on Lip

Full Count Rating: 3
YMRFPL: John Axford, Clay Zavada, player on black and white baseball cards that you found in your great-grandpa's attic from a cigarette pack.

In the days of Abner Doubleday, it was the norm but today the style probably means that you are a mediocre, middle reliever looking for attention.  Normally a style only reserved for Civil War reenacting, this throw-back style brings us back to simpler times when gloves were for wussies, fielders went barefoot and the game was pure, unadulterated and accompanied with gambling, tobacco and apparently this type of face piece.  

Goatee, Full/Trimmed

Full Count Rating: 8
YMRFPL: Kevin Youkilis, Pedro Cerrano, Mark McGwire 

There's a reason Walter White's character in Breaking Bad became a badass when he traded in his teacher's mustache for a full, trimmed, "I'm fuckin' Heisenberg" goatee.  You don't get a much more badass look with a properly full and trimmed goatee.  The goatee look in the 1990s provided a smooth transition from the Mustache Era right about when mustaches were beginning to evolve from "normally cool" to "uncomfortably creepy."  

While the goatee may have become slightly banal and overused (remember Roger Clemens sporting one?) and it is beginning to be replaced by the beard in terms of coolness, the goatee is always a safe bet if you're a 19-year-old, peach-fuzzed rookie in A-Ball looking to stand out.

It's the one thing from the steroid era that ended up being positive for the game.  We give it an eight.   

Goatee, Metallica

Full Count Rating: 5
Looking more like a cast member of "Sons of Anarchy" rather than a major league baseball player, the wearer of this hair chin is often a late-inning reliever.  The goal is to scare the piss out of opposing batters, and apparently small children too, while busting down the bullpen door with 'Hells Bells' blaring in the stadium PA.  The longer and scarier the better.  Tattoos are encouraged.  For this trashy trend, we all thank you Jeff Bagwell.  

Why?  Because the truth is without a half-foot chin goatee with braids, you look more like a tax accountant than a dominating closer.  And truthfully, you only have two sub-par pitches in your repertoire.  Mental domination is everything and ain't nobody intimidated by a baby-face.  Now smack that rosin bag like a spoiled child and get to work getting three outs.  Even Jason Isringhausen did that 300 times.    

Goatee, Spiezio
Full Count Rating: -759,294,103
YMRFPL: Scott Spiezio





Let's move on.  

Fu Manchu

Full Count Rating: 8.5 or 2.5
YMRFPL: Rod Beck, Goose Gossage, Sal Fasano/Corky Miller/(any old backup catcher who's name you somehow still know from facial hair alone), Eric Wedge, Jim Joyce.  

The last of a dying breed, the Fu Manchu was traditionally sported by either a late-inning reliever or a catcher.  It was also basically a requirement to have a potbellied gut.  As the preferred training regimen of the typical ballplayer transitioned from beer and hot dogs to testosterone and HGH, the fu manchu gradually faded from the diamond and can now be seen blowing calls at first base during the last out of a perfect game or managing terrible baseball teams.  Heath Bell, please bring it back!    


Full Count Rating: 7
YMRFPL: Nick Swisher, Alex Avila, Roy Halladay, Ichiro, Dustin Pedroia, Jeremy Giambi

It's either the ultimate brash/swagger/rebel/ look in the cases of bad boys like the Giambi brothers or current MLB bad boy douchebag, Nick Swisher or it's a sign that your facial hair grows so fast your razor literally can't catch up.  It's probably not fun shaving at five in the morning and have a half-beard by batting practice or changing out razors every three days so we can't fault the Pedroia's and Halladays of the world for that perpetual 5 o'clock shadow.   

Stubbly, accenting your jaw: 

Full Count Rating: 8.5

Tough guy.  What better way to emphasize your glorious jaw/overbite than make it hairy too.  You mash balls, throw hard, and don't mind your below-replacement level OBP or WHIP as long as you are winning home run derbys and striking out batters.  It's an all or nothing approach.  Careful though, you are a quarter inch length away from being a Casey Blake.

Stubbly, emphasizing your neck:
Full Count Rating: 1
YMRFPL: Gerald Laird, Vinny Chulk, Tommy Meyers

A. You have given up on life.
B. You are destined as a career backup
C. You are more likely to make an appearance on Cops than an MLB All-Star team

Clean shaven: 

Full Count Rating: 1

There are lots of "clean shaven" MLB players (beards aren't for everybody), but if you have to call yourself "clean shaven" then that implies that you didn't used to be that way.  And you probably play for the Yankees. So everyone has to think you're a straight shooter so you shaved.  

And damn right you're a straight shooter.  Or it's just because the Steinbrenner family told you to shave for a few million dollars your previous team couldn't afford.  So you're not only a greedy sell-out but you're also a poseur.  What a bunch of jerks.

Too cleanly shaven/Hairless:

Full Count Rating: 2
YMRFPL: Tim Lincecum, if Patrick Kane played baseball.   

It's not that you don't want to grow a beard.  It's just that you can't grow a beard.  So don't mope over the fact that you'll never be a Josh Reddick, there's still plenty of hippies in the Bay Area that will hang out and smoke weed with you.  And it's not a requirement to have a hipster beard even in SF so you've got that going for you too.  In fact, everything that you do is so unorthodox from your throwing motion, to your postgame interviews to your hair, you don't really need a beard to stand just need to stop walking guys, get your ERA under five and quit killing my fantasy team.  Worry about the beard later.

Beards in baseball:  Yes or no?  

While not all of us can pull off the Boston Johnny Damon look, just remember what the beard has meant for most of humanity.  The rule should be simple: if you can grow a beard, you should grow a beard.  

So just keep this handy guide in mind next time you want to put on a baseball cap and throw one with your kid someday and remember that beards in baseball also have a rich history.  I'd much rather look like Brian Wilson than A-Rod any day. 

A wise ballplayer once said:  "A baseball player with a beard, never takes an at-bat alone." 

And keep in mind without a beard, you're just like every woman and child.   

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Thursday Wrap: Voting for the All Star Game sucks, Jeter's road to recovery and Matt Harvey's a badass

Quote of the Day:
"I’m always open for business, if it feels like they’re incremental upgrades or significant ones."
-- Yankees GM, Brian Cashman on the trading deadline.  A few players I would recommend the Yankees target this season: Jose Valverde, Albert Pujols/Josh Hamilton, and Manny Ramirez.  

It's been a busy week but I've finally found a few hours in my busy work day free time to get everyone update on last weeks MLB action.  Today we've got reasons not to vote for the All-Star game, Justin Verlander's bad luck, MLB suspensions that don't make sense and Jay-Z is officially an MLB agent.  Let the Illuminati theories begin! 

First up on deck though, our Thursday "Hot n' Cold" segment....


Carlos Gonzalez: 
How this guy only sits in fifth place in the NL All-Star outfield is confounding and one of the reasons All-Star voting is a crapshoot (more on this later).  CarGo smashed another home run last night, his 21st of the year, trailing only Chris Davis.  

Add in his usual above-average defense and 13 stolen bases to go with a .312 batting average and you've got a strong case for NL MVP as long as he's healthy and the Rockies stay competitive.  


Vernon Wells

Since playing a key role in the Yankees makeshift roster staying afloat in the AL East, Wells has sank like a ton of trash in the Hudson River.  His line for the month of June is a paltry .109/.128/.109 and he's only scored three runs and has three RBI in 57 at-bats for the month.  

While his highlight throw against the A's was pretty cool (check it out here), but Yankees fans have to be counting down the days until Curtis Granderson gets back from the DL. 

More MLB stuff....

Starting pitcher Jeff Francis was designated for assignment after his horrific start on Tuesday inflated his ERA to 6.58 -- a career high.  Francis re-signed after being acquired from the Cincinnati Reds last summer but getting shelled every start isn't a good way to keep a spot on a MLB pitching rotation.  Don't worry Jeff, there are other options away from the thin airs of Denver to look.  Somewhere Mike Hampton is nodding in agreement.  

Taking his spot will be Roy Oswalt.  Yes, that Roy Oswalt.  The former All-Star has a 2.16 ERA in Double-A Tulsa and will face off against Jordan Zimmermann in Nationals Park as the Rockies look for their first win of a nine game road trip after getting swept by the Blue Jays.  I'm happy for Roy and all that shit but if you're a Rockies fan, I don't think this move is a vote of confidence in your rotation.  

The story goes like this: Matt Harvey was really tired and tried to take a nap in the clubhouse during his rookie year in 2012.  For whatever reason, veteran pitcher Jon Rauch decided that this was unacceptable and decided to dump a bucket of ice water on the napping Harvey.  This didn't sit well with Matt who leaped up and challenged the 6'11 and tattooed Rauch.  

Despite having a good 7 inches and 75 pounds on the rookie, Rauch backed down

The legend of Matt Harvey grows more everyday and this story proves his badassery even though Harvey was probably more pissed at having his phone ruined by the ice water (especially when he's using his phone to date girls like this).  With him and Zack Wheeler, who threw six scoreless innings against the Braves last week), the Mets future looks bright.  Now we wait and see how that manage to screw things up.  

The embattled outfielder hasn't played since 2011 and has faced everything from steroid allegations to other issues in the name of "Manny being Manny."  But could Ramirez make a return to the major leagues?  Probably not, but it's a thought.  Ramirez was just released from his contract with a Taiwanese team and was credited with booming attendance and helping fix a corrupt league.  He hit eight home runs in a half season with the EDA Rhinos and would seek any role with a major league team according to his agent who like, has to be the worst sports agent of all time, right?  Maybe we'll see more fading big league stars head over to Taiwan, who's enthusiasm for baseball only rivals Japan in the Pacific rim.  Paging Alex Rodriguez?  

The 2011 Cy Young award winner and probably-should-have-been Cy Young award winner in 2012 gave up five runs in five innings against the Orioles on Monday to watch his ERA crawl up to 3.72 on the season.  What's happening?  Well, his BABIP (batting average on balls in play) has gone up an astounding 90 points.  

What that points to is a lack of luck and while there are still concerns about Verlander's drop in velocity, when the BABIP start to average out, JV should still be fine and so should the Tigers.  If they can get that 9th inning situation worked out, that is.  

He's still got a long way to go but Derek Jeter is finally taking batting practice in his first steps to a return to the Yankees lineup.  It's a big step since the future Hall of Fame shortstop injured his ankle in last year's ALCS and expect the New York training staff to use caution with the aging Jeter to avoid another setback.  It looks like it will be more rehab and nailing pretty girls until he's back into groove.  

In your obligatory Biogenesis news of the day, MLB is beginning to interview players suspected in connection with the Miami-based clinic.  The most prominent names, Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez are not expected to interview but the article warns, "suspensions are likely," which should probably be followed by, "appeals are even more likely."  

I recommend all players just do this:

Jay-Z: MLB agent and Illuminati Mastermind

The MLBPA has granted rapper Jay-Z agent certification so that means that he now has 98 problems left to deal with.  Jay-Z made noise when Robinson Cano left Scott Boras to sign with Jay-Z's agency.  The agency will be called Roc-Nation-Sports and will consist of Jay-Z meeting with Arte Moreno saying, "Yo, ya'll pay my boy," waving his hand, and pimps smacks Moreno and drops mike and exits stage left.  

1. Expect his clients to get paid.   
2. Get back and dirt off their shoulders, Jay-Z

And finally today, we have a special section called:

Voting for the MLB All-Star Game Sucks and No One Should Do It

Unless you live in Houston like myself, where the product on the field is so bad that people would rather fill out a paper All-Star ballot, most fans will forego the paper ballots passed out at games and vote instead online.  

The MLB All-Star game is still the best all-star game unlike their counterparts in the NBA, which is a glorified dunk contest from the And1 Mixtape tour or the NFL Pro Bowl which is a two-hand touch game sandwiched around a Hawaii vacation.  The NHL All-Star is actually pretty awesome but no one watches it, and the MLS All-Star Game probably wouldn't any attention whatsoever if they weren't playing a Premier League team.?  

Of course, you want to see your favorite stars play.  But is voting really worth the time and effort it takes to participate?  I took the time to do a play-by-play review of the voting process.  

The first step is to go online.  I check out pretty much daily so it wasn't hard to find the place to go from there: 

You'll notice that almost instantly, you're exposed to a ad.  Keep that thought in mind, because it won't be the last you'll see of FreeCreditScore.  

Next you'll notice the actual ballot:

Not one, not two, but three more Free Credit Score advertisements.  I really could care less about Free Credit Score.  I'm already more inclined to use free credit report due to their hilarious commercials that have Dikembe Mutumbo and the band that looks like the Kings of Leon if they never hit it big.  

Anyways, you enter your ballot picking players from both leagues (I wrote in Nick Punto because he seems like a nice guy).  This is the easy part, now you have to submit:

Now you'll notice that you have to submit a mound a personal data just to submit your vote.  I'm sure that Major League Baseball will claim to do this to avoid voter fraud but I secretly think the NSA has something to do with it.  

Next you run into two little boxes.  First, you can opt-in to receive spam commercial emails from (that's exposure number five if you are counting). I still don't why anyone would do this on purpose.  If I was truly interested in checking my crappy credit score, I'd probably just Google it or wait for a collections agency to call.  

But remember, if you fail to uncheck the second box, you are going to get spam commercial emails from the Detroit Tigers and the MLB.  I should mention that you also have to get to do this 25 times, remembering to NOT check the first box and ALWAYS UNCHECK the second box. 

How many people do you think eventually made a mistake?  Lots.  Probably all Yankee and White Sox fans too.  

But wait, there is more.  If you create a user account, you get ten more bonus votes! Cool!  But keep in mind, doing that will open up another realm of spam targeted commercial emails. 

I used to have a fake email account just for stuff like this, but unfortunately I forgot it. That would have been the smart step, but remember the time it takes you to set it up and you still have to make up some bullshit birthday and zip code (I imagine a disproportionate number of fans are from the New York zip code or 90210).

Take note of the last note below the "Submit Your Vote" button

I acknowledge that I have read, understand, and agree to be bound by the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and have read About the ballot.

You now have two decisions. You can... 

A. Do the only sensible option, which is to completely ignore the three documents and lie about having read them.  Or you can....

B.  You can spend 25 minutes of your finite life studying them, only to still be left with no choice but to accept if you want to vote.

Even after you are ready submit your vote and send it, you aren't quite done.

Feel free to now piss off all of your social media networks by spreading this virus all across the internet.  Or, if you forgot the first fucking five times, why don't you go ahead and check your credit score.  

So I've checked out the "cost" side of voting, so there has to be a benefit side, right?  Despite taking an hour out of my work free time, there's always something democratic and American about voting and each vote counts towards Nick Punto making the team. 

But also consider this:

If you are only voting once, that one vote is likely to be offset by this guy:

This guy is a typical Yankees/Indians/White Sox/Mets/Dodgers (pick one) fan, who combined with baseball passion, an awkwardly uncomfortable crush on Nick Swisher, and unlimited free time can vote 35 times and spend a week creating fake e-mails and identities, completely steamrolling your single, measly vote.

It's these people who are the reason that as of June 8 Derek Jeter has 529,234 All-Star game votes. Come on, people.  Carlos Gonzalez is 5th (!!!!!!!) in NL outfield.  What the hell?  

It's also good to  remember is that you not actually voting for players to make the All-Star team. You are voting for position players to start in the All-Star game.  Fans can only choose ten players per league out of a roster of 36 players, which is probably a good thing.  But guess what?  If your favorite player is really good at baseball, he's going to make the team anyway!

Finally, I just have to ask. Why do we care? I mean, if you favorite player is Starlin Castro and he is a borderline All-Star, he might get one at-bat in the game.  Why bother?   If I was a Cubs fan I'd rather have Castro spendingt three days at home and away from the game resting and practicing his fielding and hitting.

So don't do it.  If you haven't already, you should now know why voting for the All-Star game is a colossal waste of time.  If you really want to be MERICAN and vote, do it in the general election for something important like president, where nothing ever goes wrong and is never a waste of time.  

And one last tip: If you have to use a free credit service to check your credit score, your credit is probably already pretty shitty.  

I'm out baseball freaks.  Have a splendid weekend.  

Friday, June 14, 2013

MLB Friday Funnies: GIF of the Week

Marcell Ozuna trolls the @#$%^ out of Will Venable

The lights can make judging flyballs tricky in any park, but Miami outfielder Marcell Ozuna took it to a whole new level last month.  

Seven days into his big league career in PetCo Park, Ozuna just couldn't find it.  

It starts with Will Venable's deep flyball to right field.  

Immediately we notice that Ozuna is having trouble finding the ball.  Given that San Diego experiences sunshine almost 24 hours, 365 days a year, you can hardly fault him...but this is actually a night game.  

Ozuna waves for help, as if to say, "Where the hell is it!?"  At this point he has trolled the announcers, the cameraman and everyone in the stadium except for the fans in the rightfield bleachers.  

But the ball then deposits about 30 feet behind him for a home run.  Let get a close up view of Ozunas reaction to losing Venable's deep fly....

Ozuna looks more like me whenever the Astros girls at Minute Maid Park are tossing out free t-shirts that I know I'll never wear.  I give them to the Salvation Army so I like to feel that I'm helping some underprivileged person in Houston re-discover their passion for the home baseball team.  Just don't watch them actually play until at least 2016.   I'm not quite sure what Ozuna's plan is here except maybe this...

Venable gets trolled, the announcers get trolled, the cameraman get trolled.  It's troll time in baseball bitches.  Meanwhile Ozuna has put together a pretty nice season so far even though the Marlins are terrible.  The Padres are not that terrible, but still have some work to catch the Diamondbacks.  At least they're ahead of the Dodgers.  Right?  

Here's the video for all you people who still don't listen when I tell you to click on the pictures if the GIF doesn't work.  Or if you're reading this on a mobile device, which like, congrats on taking another step to being addicted to baseball...

And one more funny thing before we leave for the weekend: the Yasiel Puig drinking game, courtesy of Tommy.  

Happy weekend baseball freaks